I'm refocussed and ready for the fight

In my last post I mentioned that I was thinking of taking a break from chemo.  I asked my oncologist if I could have a PET Scan to see more accurately if my tumours really were being reduced to almost nothing.   He managed to book me in fairly quickly which was good because I needed to know if it was ok to cancel my next chemo session which was the day after the scan.

The hospital was able to have my results ready the same day in the afternoon.  I went to see a stand in for my oncologist who was on leave.  She read the results and told me that I still had a few small tumours in 2 separate places in my right chest, with the largest tumour being two centimetres.   I told her I really felt I needed a break from the chemo because my body was really being knocked about by it.  I was worried that if I overdid it with the chemo, I might not be able to take it anymore and then where would that leave me?  She said that in general she advocated taking breaks and agreed that it might be beneficial.  At the same time she didn't think that I should leave it more than 3 weeks.

I then went off for a blood test to see if I was still anaemic and if I still needed the blood transfusion, or 'house red', as my oncologist called it, that I was due to have the next day during the chemo session that I had just cancelled.  While I was having the blood test I was thinking about what the oncologist had told me about having tumours being in two places.  I was concerned because I had only been aware of one of the locations.  So after the blood test I went back to see the oncologist and I asked her if she minded comparing my PET Scan with the previous one that I did in October last year.    She went and had a look and came back and told me that the reduction was significant because in October I had extensive tumour coverage all over my right chest.  She gave me the two reports to take home so I could look over them.  It was like reading a foreign language but certainly I could see that indeed I had extensive coverage.  I was in shock.

I am not sure why my oncologist never mentioned this to me.  He only told me about the area where I assume the largest tumour was.  I will see him the day before my chemo session next week and ask him why he didn't mention it.

My first reaction was that I was glad I didn't know because the extent of the coverage would have been quite worrying.  I also thought that not knowing allowed me to breast-feed Emma for the 2 years that I did since I thought I was in remission.  But then it didn't take long for the significance of it to hit me and it changed the way I was thinking about my cancer.  

Firstly I wasn't in remission for the 3 years that I thought I was.  Also the pain I kept feeling and was told must be torn scar tissue, actually was cancer pain.  It is clear now that my cancer is a lot more aggressive than I had previously thought.  It changes the way I now think about everything related to it.  I also wondered how much of a part stress was playing in all this, as I had been under a lot with my relationship problems and whenever I felt really stressed I could feel it in the area of what I now know were my tumours.

All of a sudden I wasn't that relaxed about putting my chemo off while my body was recuperating.  At the same time it worries me to push it too much because at the moment the chemo is the only treatment that I know is working for me.  And working it is.  I have to remember and focus on that.  I have gone from extensive coverage of the right chest to two areas with a few small tumours.  

Anyway I'm going back in for chemo this Wednesday.  I might ask for a lower dose of the chemo drugs   this time.  And probably after the chemo, I'll go and find out about the best ways to detox my body and to keep my self stress free.  I'm refocussed and ready for the fight.

Update:
On my previous post, a reader named Lyn commented about her tumours continuing to shrink after she finished her chemo.  Lyn if you are reading this, I would love to talk to you more about your experience.  You can email me at blog@anitalive.com