Just a stage that will pass

Coming home wasn't quite like I expected. The house was a mess, I was feeling awful and Emma thought she was finally going to be breast fed. I started to wonder whether or not I should have stayed in hospital. At least there I was being looked after nicely and knew the people looking after me were just doing their job. Back at home I really wanted to do stuff but couldn't, I needed Patrick to look after me and Emma wanted me to go back to how things were. I felt quite useless. Over the video chat, I seemed to be able to calm Emma down. She could accept that I wasn't there. But being at home, she knew I was there but just not giving her what she wanted. I had to listen to her crying for hours on end while Patrick tried to settle her.

People often tell me that my blog is positive and optimistic. It's possible that I tend to write more when I am feeling good but I do try to view everything in a positive light. When things are difficult, it doesn't always come naturally and I find myself at times like this thinking how can I possibly feel good about all this.

When Emma was born, a good friend of mine, Yossi, told me that whenever things get difficult with newborns, to remember each time that everything is just a stage and it passes. It makes it easier to cope with difficult times when you know it is just something that will pass.

With this in mind, I needed to remind myself that all this nausea and pain I feel are not the cancer but the chemo. Before the chemo, I managed my pain fairly well. It never made me sick, just made me aware that there was something there if I had not taken my pain meds on time. By doing chemo, know you are going to make yourself really sick with the hope that it will make you better. It is all fairly obvious stuff I guess but sometimes when you're not feeling the best, you need to consciously remind yourself that it is just a stage. It will pass.